2021 is here, 2020 has passed. The year 2020 marked so much change and growth for me. I became a mom and learned a new type of love, I connected with lots of family and friends, and I grew my professional repertoire. However, if I’m being totally honest, 2020 was a sad year for me. I’ve never felt less like myself and it was flooded with fear, questioning, not feeling like I’m doing enough, and dropping the ball on things for me (For example, this blog… It’s been since Summer since I’ve written!). You may be able to relate to this. 

In the few months of 2020, I read a book called You Can Have It All, Just Not at the Same Damn Time. This book talked a lot about priorities. What are your actual Priorities (with a capital P)? This section of the book when Romi Neustadt really got into it caused me to stop in my tracks. I stopped at this section for a little over a week wandering in a state of desperation about what my Priorities were. I’m pretty sure I even googled, “How to identify your priorities.” All this to say, I eventually did some reflection, journaling, and allowed myself to think freely about my life. In doing so I was able to centralize my needs, what my goals were, and ultimately determine my top three Priorities that would allow me to move beyond much of the self-doubt, self-flagellation, and insecurities of balance (or lack thereof) I felt in 2020. 

In the spirit of community, I’ll share my Priorities with you. 

1. I make healthy decisions. This doesn’t mean that I never eat a carbohydrate or don’t eat cookies. This means that I commit to moving my body for 30 minutes each day and ensuring I’m asleep by 9pm each evening to allow my mind and body an appropriate amount of time to recoup. It also means that I do not skimp on exercise. In the balance of work, life, and motherhood, it was easy for me to ignore and skip exercise to my own detriment and to the detriment of my marriage. Making healthy decisions means that I must exercise for my own health and my ability to be a contributor in the relationships important to me.
2. I am building an online community through this blog. Now dear reader, this may seem interesting to you given I haven’t written since summer. However, when I took a step back through reflection and prayer this blog tugged at me. It sits on my heart. I know that my voice is one that is of necessity in this world and one that has the power to encourage and incite action from those who are either like-minded or those that are in search of a down-to-earth, hard-working mama and career-minded tribe who loves food. So here I am in the first month of 2021 writing and alongside it putting a plan together to squash my fear of social media combined with complete and utter ineptitude at how to use social media, and actually share notquitetraditional.com with the world.
3. I am an engaged wife and mother every day. I have personally found, as with most things in my life, that I’m really good at going through the paces and sometimes just that action alone is enough to generate success. Unfortunately (or fortunately), whichever way you look at it, that has not been enough by a huge measure when it comes to being my husband’s wife or my son’s mother. When I let myself down in other aspects of my life, this suffers. When I do not prioritize myself with “me time”, this suffers. To be an engaged wife and mother every day does not mean I do all the things. Rather, it means that I do not deviate from my work schedule, I prioritize my time so that I do not become resentful, and I suggest family activities each weekend in or out of quarantine. 

As I’m sure you have, too, I’ve seen a ton out there about goal setting, goal getting, and resolutions. I’ve never been someone to set new year’s resolutions and I’m always someone setting goals – achievable or not. So for me, this new year and the gift to start again is truly about keeping myself in check and aligning to my Priorities each and every day. If you’re a goal person, awesome. Set them. If you’re a resolution person, cool – good luck! For me I’ve come to realize that I can have 100 goals and 100 resolutions – the things I’m going to do – but if they don’t truly align with my Priorities, they’re going nowhere fast. More importantly, if I allow myself to prioritize goals and resolutions which do not really serve me to run my life, I accomplish basically nothing other than regret and confusion as to why I cannot move forward. This year I’ve committed to measure up to my priorities and evaluate my decisions against them. We’ll see where this takes me! Cheers to 2021, friends!

It’s been just over three months since I became a new mom, we became a family of three, and the world got brighter and sweeter. I have no idea where the time has gone and yet it feels like it’s gone slowly. Some days I can’t remember life before Hudson and other days I long for life before Hudson. 

Many people have asked me about “mom life” and “how it’s going?” (in reference to being a new Mom), and “Do I love being a Mom?” Each time I answer, but not before I feel myself pause with uncertainty… because I’m not entirely sure.

What is “Mom life?” For me, it’s been a period of reinvention. I’ve had to learn to give so much of myself in entirely new ways to an entirely new person who has needs that I don’t always understand or know how to provide for (thank goodness for Moms on Call!). I’ve felt love and a sense of protection that I never knew was inside of me. I’ve made a new best friend (sorry, Justin!) and he’s so darn cute!

“How’s it going?” Well, it’s wild and I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m exhausted. So exhausted! I also feel like each day is Groundhog Day and wonder if that’s normal for this season of life and this stage of motherhood. 

“Do I love being a Mom?” I think so. I was never a woman who dreamed of becoming a Mom or saw myself as a mom, so when these last several months of my life as a new mom became only about being a new Mom it’s was hard for me to accept and allow myself to adapt to that role and this new life. I love Hudson deeply, but do I love being a Mom? I think so, yes. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m always wondering if I’m doing it right.

There have been countless moments of hilarity starting on day one in the hospital when we tried to send our child to nursery so we could try to sleep, only to have him return less than an hour later because he was inconsolable… so much for sleep! Or, five minutes before I resumed writing this reflection when Hudson smiled at me then puked on me then smiled again and I literally said, “Oh good job, buddy!”

I can say with absolute certainty that I never ever thought I’d cheer someone on with such gusto when they’re taking a poop while sitting on my lap, or get so excited when I see Hudson’s little face turn red because he’s trying to poop. I exclaim, “Oh! You’re pooping! Yay!”

Oh, and I can’t forget Hudson’s first smiles and the first laughs. I still find myself lost in the memories of them happening and the looks on all three of our faces. So much fun and so much happiness.

The moments that are scary and downright frustrating are there, too. Like when Hudson and I spent the day just the two of us and had the best time to be followed by me taking his pint-sized t-shirt off for bathtime, which triggered 30 minutes of straight screaming… in my ear… for no apparent reason. The bewilderment of why I couldn’t console him in that time still haunts me as does the fact that there will be so many more times like that.

I also feel constant embarrassment and disappointment that my body let me down… and quite honestly let Hudson down. I thought I would be able to rely on my body to produce breast milk and be able to breastfeed our baby, but my body let me down. 

Not only was I not producing nearly enough breast milk to feed Hudson, but the production of milk and the act of breastfeeding triggered such strong physical nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea that I had to stop. It scared me. I’ve had to overcome these moments and find comfort in the fact that they are part of my motherhood journey. To be honest, I’m still working on overcoming these moments, each and every day. 

Baby Hudson asleep in my arms is literally something I can feel when I close my eyes. I look forward to it. I cherish it. When he’s asleep in my arms he is in total bliss and I feel in love, relaxed, and oh so blessed. These types of moments – the ones where he seeks out the comfort only I can provide him – are the stuff motherhood is made of. When I can make him laugh a little baby belly laugh, or stop crying instantly just by talking to him or simply placing his head on my naked chest. When I’m having an off day, Hudson’s smile will make it better and so will his sweet snuggles. 

Reflecting on these last several months has brought forward new emotions, helped me to reminisce about many sweet moments, and given me a great deal of comfort in the honesty of it all. Being a Mom – especially a new Mom is a relentless, unforgiving, emotional pursuit. It is full of ups and downs, twists and turns. It is beautiful, terrifying, and perfect all the same time. I have no idea if my motherhood journey is typical, right, or wrong. But it’s mine and if there is one thing that I’ve taken away from all of this is that I’m one lucky woman to be Hudson’s mom.