Would you describe yourself as conflict-averse? Meaning, when you sense a conflict or a difficult situation coming your way, you back yourself into your corner, shy away, or maybe even just ignore the situation altogether? Years ago I would have been right there with you in both my work and personal life. These days I find myself owning difficult conversations and addressing situations of conflict with ease, especially at work, and in a much more comfortable place not because I care less or find it any less intimidating, but because I’ve learned how to structure my responses and navigate my way through highly difficult or high-conflict situations and conversations in a way that is less emotional and focused on the outcome.
Here’s a five-step process to structure a difficult conversation due to a high-conflict situation at work or at home in a way that will help to keep you at the forefront of driving and managing the conversation while facilitating and reaching a streamlined resolution that benefits all parties involved.
Step 1: Define what you know.
Use this first step as an opportunity to take a deep breath and identify what you know about the situation. Do this in your most comfortable brainstorming method. For me, this is as simple as a notebook and pencil; for you maybe it’s a bunch of post-its, a journal, or a Google Doc. Whatever your method, write down everything that’s relevant that you know about the situation. This step isn’t always comfortable and almost always generates big emotions for me, especially when it’s home-related (vs. work), but it will clear your head and get your thoughts out in a place where you can see them, react to them, and process them.
Step 2: Bucketize what you know into groups.
(And yes, “bucketize” is a technical term!)
By grouping what you know you’ll start to create categories, which ladder up to the bigger issue at hand and will eventually become your outline for your conversation. Common categories in difficult or conflict-heavy situations in a work setting include things like “issues,” “timing,” “quality,” “resources,” etc. In a home-based situation, the categories look different and might include things like, “money,” “help around the house,” “help with the kids,” etc.
Step 3: Define your ideal outcome.
So now you’ve organized your thoughts and identified your major topics. What do you want to happen as a result of the conversation? Or what must be the outcome once the conflict is resolved? This is a decision that will result in an action. For me, in my consulting world, this is typically a client-driven decision that results in my team being able to execute based on a decided direction. Maybe for you, it’s a clear answer on how to allocate a budget or which person will receive a promotion. At home, maybe it’s an agreement between you and your spouse of how you’ll divvy up home responsibilities or re-allocate monthly funds to be more effective for your family. Whatever it is, make your outcome big enough to drive to an action, otherwise, you’ll find yourself back at step one in no time at all.
Step 4: Create a roadmap.
Whether it’s two steps for twenty-two steps, you need to have a thought-through roadmap to achieve your desired outcome based on the problem you’re addressing and what you already know. At work, for example, if your problem is a delayed kick-off on a project and you know it’s delayed because of budgetary constraints and your desired outcome is to start within two weeks to maintain your original timeline, then your roadmap must include steps to alleviate the budgetary constraints and gain approval to start your project. At home, if your problem is getting your spouse to engage more completely in family activities, then your roadmap needs to articulate when the family activities occur, where he/she could jump in to be more present and how immediately he/she can start exercising these new habits. Be thoughtful and succinct with your steps. It’s all about quality and accomplish-ability without making anyone feel less-than.
Step 5: Build an agenda.
No matter if this is a client-facing meeting, a chit-chat with a co-worker, a conversation with your spouse, a huge presentation to a bunch of senior executives, or a sit down with your mother-in-law, you’ve got to have an agenda. This agenda should be structured as follows: Problem statement (why are we here?) | Intended outcome (what we will achieve) | Recap of what we know (how we got here) | Opportunity to achieve the outcome (roadmap) | Immediate next steps (how we will ensure outcome success). This structure avoids personal nuance and keeps the conversation on the outcome (not the conflict / difficult situation), which will ensure success.
Remember that conflict isn’t a bad thing in any setting or with anyone. Good things come from conflict – innovation, relationships, love, challenges, appreciation – just to name a few. Change your thinking about how to manage and work through difficult conversations and conflict-heavy situations creating opportunities for growth (personally, in relationships, and professionally) well beyond what you could have imagined in a status-quo world.
